Binary life

I always feel, I live a binary life. Well, what do I mean by that? Let's not see what the definition is, but let's see some example of a binary process. (remember, 3 idiots? Rancho gave all examples of "a machine", when asked for a definition! :D) Anyways.. So for example, here in IIT, some courses have binary grading. That means, for a question one either gets full credit or no credit. There is no partial credit. Thus, it's zero-one decision i.e. a binary decision. Thus, I tend to define any process in which almost all decisions made are binary as a binary process. And, I feel, I live a binary life!

While in school, when we and / or our parents used to worry about even 1 or half mark in the exam (sorry, for the generalization here by the use of word "we", "our", I believe many of the potential readers never worried about marks) , our general strategy used to be - if you can't solve some a problem, at least solve it partially and solve in as much detail as you can - so that you will get marks for the steps! I too followed it many a times. Now, when I face binary grading in IIT, I feel - this is the way it should be. You can either solve it (completely) or can't solve it. You either do it or don't do it. There is no "partial" solving as such. And this makes me realize that not just exams but, the life is binary, at least for me. I live a binary life!

Since I became aware of my own emotions and feelings i.e. since when I started realizing that I like / love / dislike / hate / can tolerate / can't tolerate certain thing or a person, I realized that all my emotions are binary. I either loved from bottom of my heart or hated. I either appreciated every small thing or I criticized even smaller things. I always felt that there was no potentiometer to regulate the resistance towards certain thing or a person. I could either have infinite resistance or zero resistance. My friends / colleagues / classmates advised me that this is not a right way of living life. You have to be little neutral towards things and people. You cannot always feel extreme emotions. But, I never felt that I can do that. Thus, I feel I live a binary life.

My binary life includes for example following.

• I either eat cake/pastry/lays or I just stop eating it forever. I cannot reduce the frequency at which I eat any of these.
• I learn classical vocal and keep singing for the whole day or I just stop learning it. I cannot keep the singing activity limited to learning session and do other (important) stuff in remaining time.
• I learn violin and keep practicing it everyday spending my work/study time or I just stop learning it. I cannot (again) keep the practice time limited to the learning session.
• I either talk to X person as if X is my friend since years or I stop talking to X altogether. I cannot reduce the time I spend in talking with X and get my work done.
• I either do chatting the whole day or I delete all contacts from my chat list and stop chatting altogether. I cannot be invisible on chat and reduce the time I spend in chatting.
• I either login to Facebook / Orkut every morning and keep checking updates the entire day or I just delete my Facebook / Orkut account (which I have done 3 and 5 times respectively). I cannot make and follow a rule for myself that I will not login to Facebook / Orkut before I finish the other useful tasks I have planned for the day.
• I do or don't. I cannot "can".

As I said, I faced this binary grading in IIT for the first time. Similarly, when I looked at my binary way of living life, I realized that I always followed this way of living life but since when I left my home and relocated to other places like in Bangalore for job, in Mumbai for my PG, the fraction of binary decisions in my life has increased (exponentially, I feel like adding). I am seriously looking for the reasons behind this.

Some hints I get from the way the life has become now. When I was in Pune, leading a routine life I was almost sure that everyday I will meet same people; I will discuss similar things. I knew that a particular person will react to a certain thing in an expected way. I was so sure of almost everything that I used to like surprises. But, when I left Pune and relocated to various places, my life was full of surprises! Now, I don't expect to meet a particular person say everyday. I can't even think of expecting that a particular person will behave the same way as s/he did in past. It's because, everything is temporary. People tend to compromise the way that suits to them the best without thinking about their surroundings. Relations are brittle.

I remember, on the last day in my school one of my teachers told this to us- Now, when you are in school, you all are so safe. You feel your friends are so close to you. They will be there for you whenever you need them. But, that's not true. It will eventually differ. You will feel that no one is there for you and you are on your own. And that's when you actually start your "life". Then it's your test, at every point in your life, as to how you tackle such unexpectedness. It's a challenge for you then to not become used to it but at the same time know how to handle it.
... when I think of this, I feel "binary life" is my way of handling this.

If I start feeling that following some way, it's going to change my life too much than what I can handle, I simply negate the decision. Simple enough!